Paying it forward

Please come be a part of this amazing event!  

twinners

We LOVE That Drew looks JUST like his brother! So sweet!!

A Bear Lake Bench for Dyl

What a wonderful place this will be to sit, reflect, and enjoy the beauty of nature. 




I imagine that Dylan will take a little time out of his busy schedule to enjoy it with us. Sure miss him.....

Happy Birthday!

Dylan,

   HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  We have all thought about this day the last 3 months and wondered what it was going to be like....what we should do....and how we would celebrate your birthday without you here.  Your parents decided to give you the wonderful gift of doing your temple work.  I know you already know this. ..but all of our family was able to go and feel the sweet, sweet spirit there.  It was a very emotional experience for me, and gave me a whole new outlook on those we are doing work for.  I am so grateful for the external perspective and desire to be my very best I have gotten with you on the other side.  I have been able to feel your presence on a couple different occasions and I am so so thankful.  Those experiences are truly tender mercies. 

  I can't believe it was a year ago we gave you those comfy slippers for your birthday.  You were the king of "Comfy's"!!  Never did I imagine they would be your favorite things to wear, and eventually be the very shoes you'd be buried in.  It breaks my heart, but also makes me happy.  I am learning that much of this experience is bitter sweet.
  Today we will spend our time thinking about you and celebrating the life you lived.  We will bake cupcakes and take them to the neighbor kids, make fleece blankets for kids at Primary Childrends, eat your favorite pork from Cafe Rio, and go visit your resting place.  I know there will be lots of tears today, just because we miss you so so much.  I can't imagine what your mom must feel like on this day, but just like I promised....I will take good care of her. I know you are so proud of how strong your parents have been.  It's amazing the strength that comes out of people when trials like this are given to them.
  I'm not sure how birthdays are celebrated in Heaven, but I hope you know that today is YOUR special day!!! A day we will celebrate YOU every single year.  We love you SO much!  Life here is not the same without you.  We hope somehow you get the cupcake Livi is determined to send to heaven..... :)  HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the sweetest boy we know!

Love, Chelsea

Life Goes On-

Well, like it or not, life goes on. At least for those of us who are left behind. When you are in the midst of your trial and know what you are looking at, there are many times when you don't think that when the time comes you'll be able to live through it and regain somewhat of a "normal life" again. And then it comes. And then you are still living. And you can't believe it... And many times you feel guilty for feeling okay and occasionally even having fun! This whole process of losing Dylan has been such an interesting one. There are many days where I feel like a 70 year old having been through so much both emotionally and spiritually! Then there are days when I feel like a 17 year old and feel like there is no way I could have gone through something like this so young. Most of the time I try to not think of my situation and my loss because I realize there are so many others out there who have it so much worse. I have been reading a book called "The Happiness Project" (many of you are probably sick of me talking about it!) and it is pretty amazing! Something the book is constantly emphasizing is that happiness isn't something that just falls into your lap. It is something we have to seek out and work for! It has to be a constant effort- There are so many different elements that factor into true happiness. At one point in the book it sums it up by saying that we experience happiness when we are growing. Sometimes we can choose when we want to grow and sometimes things force us to. What we choose when we are forced to is up to us! (I don't know if that makes any sense-) But my whole point is that we sometimes don't choose to end up in difficult situations but we do get to choose what to do with them. I am hoping to become a better person because of all of this. I have seen what happens to others when they choose a different path. It doesn't lead to happiness... Dylan wouldn't want for us to be miserable. More than anything else on this earth, he cared about how we felt! (Especially me! :)) I have felt him often when I have been struggling and he continues to let me know that he doesn't want me to be sad and that he is so happy! I am so grateful for those experiences I have had where he has been a comfort to me. I miss him every single day more than words can express, but every day is one day closer to when we get to see him again. Something else that stood out to me in the book (which BTW I am only half way through!) is choosing to be happy with the present. It is true that often times I find myself looking to the future for things that are going to make me happy. Finding happiness in every day is something I am trying to make a greater effort at. Ryan and I are SO blessed with our other children, family, friends, jobs, house, etc... It is so easy to sink into the sorrow of the missing but our blessings far outweigh our losses.

When I reflect on the 4 months that Dylan was sick, I often think about all that many people did for us during that time. I know that there are many who we didn't formally thank and I don't even know where to start! It makes me feel terrible and it all feels like a blur! A traumatic and depressing one, but also an overwhelmed and loving one! Please know that we do love and appreciate everything that has been done for us and our true hope is that we will be able to repay everyone that gave so much to us. Thank you again for everything. It will never be forgotten!

And so we carry on... With school, with lessons, with work, with church, etc... Like it or not, life goes on. We were able to get away last weekend to Bear Lake, it was fantastic! The little ones picked leaves from the trees up there and on the way home we stopped and visited Dylan's grave and they scattered the leaves on it. He would have loved our cabin... We were missing him there! My sweet friend JeriAnn found the cutest vintage sign that said, "Welcome to Bear Lake" and her amazingly talented husband made a matching piece they fastened to the bottom that said, "The greatest place in the galaxy!" Quoted by Dylan. We hung it right on the wall as you walk in and it makes us feel like we have a little Dylan there.

Many have asked how the other kids are doing and the honest truth is that they are doing well. Dawson occasionally has a few breakdowns but we all do. As soon as Avery came home on the first day of Kindergarten, I got into her back pack to see what she had done that day. On one of the papers they could draw whatever they wanted. She had covered hers with hearts that had cracks in them. :( Livi often says, "when Dylan gets back..." Dax is 2 and obviously doesn't get it but when you ask where Dylan is he says, "in the sky" and points up. Drew is growing like a champ and has gotten very needy which he deserves. He is screaming for attention right now which is why I am going to bring this post to a close! Thank you again for all of the love, support and prayers we continue to receive. We know that it is because of all of those acts we have been able to move forward. We love you all! D4D Always!!!! :)

Child of God

  Tonight I was putting my two and half year old, Ella to bed.  We always sing a few songs.  She wanted to sing I am a Child of God, so we did.  At the end it says, "teach me all that I must do, to live with Him someday."  After she finished she looked at me and said, "live with who mom??"
  I told her it meant to live with Jesus.  She then replied,  "Oh ya, and Dylan lives with Jesus.  Jesus knows Dylan mom, and he loves him, and takes care of him."
   That obviously caught me way off guard.  Big words spoken out of a little mouth.  It brought me a few tears, and sweet peace.  I know Dylan is being taken care of, and the he is a very loved boy in Heaven.  We miss him so much....every single day.

Adjustments...

Life has seemed pretty weird lately. Not that anything major has happened or that things have gotten harder, just different. Sending Dawson back to school without Dylan was not so fun for me and I am sure he is feeling that void. Avery started Kindergarten yesterday so I am sure it's nice having her to walk with to the bus stop in the morning, but I know that is always in the back of Dawson's mind. He is doing very well though!

Time just keeps on ticking and the days keep getting further and further away since I last heard my sweet Dylan's voice. It is so hard. But we really are okay. I try not to think of how much time I haven't seen him but turning that into how much closer I am to seeing him again. I don't in any way mean for this to be a depressing post, because I'm not- I just miss him. I can't begin to describe the amazing blessings we have been given with our other children. I am grateful for every single one of them! (Even when they are naughty!) I can't imagine going through all of this if I didn't have their sweet faces to cheer me up every day. Even our 2 yr. old Dax has picked up on it. Last night I was caught off guard by a St. Jude's commercial and started crying and Dax looked up at me and said, "no cry, be happy!" I do my best and have way more good then bad days but when those bad days come, they come with a vengeance! This is not something I ever thought I would have to deal with but we are and doing it the best way we can! We are committed to this experience bringing our family closer together and also closer to our Savior.

I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people that exist in this world. We couldn't have gotten through this without all of the love and support we have received. Words aren't even enough. And I sound so cheesy saying that but it's so true. You know if you are one of those wonderful people and I continue to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The movie "Ever After" was playing in our car a few weeks ago and there was a line in it that really stuck with me. The evil stepmother said, "no matter how bad you think things are, they can always get worse." I know there are many others out there who are suffering worse then we are. And my heart goes out to them. I feel so ignorant at times thinking back to before all of this happened, I didn't realize how many sick kids there are or how many people are dealing with all kinds of trials and tragedies. Often times it is only through our trials that we gain a deeper sympathy and develop a love for others we may not ever have known. I am thankful to have learned this even though it still is so so hard.

My husband is my very favorite human on this whole planet and there is no one else I would rather have by my side facing adversity. He is my best friend and I am not sure how I lucked out snagging him!!! He is such a rock and doesn't judge me on my worst days even though I am sure he would love to send me away at times! I have developed such a deeper love for him watching him as he handled many of the situations with Dylan. I love him so much...

Another example of the circle of life has occurred today! My little brother Trevor and his cute wife Tami just welcomed a new baby into this world... Little Trey! Congrats to them! I don't know how many of you know but Tami's brother Kasey was killed in a plane crash about a week and half after Dylan's passing. It was a pretty intense month for her. My heart continues to go out to their family. I hope that this new little blessing is able to bring a little healing to their hearts as my baby Drew was able to do for me.

This life was never meant to be easy. But we have to tolerate it and come out better people especially through these tough times! It's so easy to become relaxed and in ways ignorant when things are going well. That in itself is a test... What will YOU do when you don't have something devastating looking you in the face? It's easy to hit your knees when you want the help. But are you doing it when you aren't desperate for it? That's something I am trying to keep a constant eye on. Not getting comfortable. Trust me, I have gotten comfortable many times! I still have sooooooo much work to do. But I do need to acknowledge my sweet little Dylan and for the example he set for my family and for so many others. I know that he was willing to go through this for us. I am committed that his sacrifice won't be in vain.... I love you Dylan and I will forever be missing you! (Well, not forever- :)

The missing

 Just over a month out, and I think the missing is really starting to set in.  The reality of what happened is becoming more real...more permanent.  I am pretty sure I can speak for all of us, but the last week has been one of the hardest.  Time apart has grown longer and we continue doing things together, just missing one sweet member of our family.  We always talk about memories and funny stories.  Sometimes it makes us laugh, and sometimes it starts the tears.  Life is truly about spending time with those you love, and creating memories....because you just never know when someone you love won't be here.  We love you Dylan and would give a whole lot to have you yelling "Banana the POWER"!! again....even if it was the most obnoxious thing in the world :)     

Remembering Dylan

Life Since...

Well where do I even start? I feel terrible I haven't posted anything in a while, as you can imagine, things have been busy and different around here... Today is the "official" date of the one month mark since Dylan's passing. (We like to call it a "Graduation") It's gone by so fast. But often it feels like forever ago. I can't ever accurately explain the wide range of emotions that I continue to feel. But the majority of the time I do feel peace. I have had the opportunity to feel Dylan's presence often. Every time I do, I know he is so happy. I know he feels better. And I KNOW that he is in the presence of our loving Heavenly Father and our Savior. I know that he has already learned so much from his experience there so far. I know that I have learned more in the last 5 months than I have in all of my years previous. The last thing I said to Dylan before they closed the casket for good was, "my world will never be the same because of you". I meant that in so many ways. The way I view the world now is so different. The way I view life and death is so different. I'm not afraid anymore. I've learned that we can do hard things. I've learned that there is so much good in this world. I've learned that there are worse things than death. Like watching your child loose all abilities and watching them struggle. I am so grateful for all of the miracles that did indeed happen during our experience even though at the time I didn't recognize them. I came across this quote and it made sense to me. It said, "Does our daily focus on the ordinary events of life dampen our awareness of the providential and miraculous events occuring in and around us all the time?" It's true. One of the biggest miracles in Dylan's journey was the fact that when it was his time to go, it was quick. His type of tumor can often drag out for months, years even, with unthinkable symptoms that leave them completely aware of what's going on, yet trapped in their shell and in pain. He didn't have to face much of this. He maintained his ability to eat, breathe and speak up until the last few hours of his life. In many others, this isn't the case. Originally we were given 12-18 months so in ways we feel like we were shorted. We have come to the conclusion that we had a late diagnosis which in turn ended up being a blessing that he was able to live a normal life as long as possible. It seems so surreal that I am talking about a child we've lost. I never would have imagined we would be faced with this. You never think it will be you. You never can fully understand until it's you. It's hard. It's so sad. It hurts. On the other hand I can say, with full conviction, that I wouldn't have been able to learn all I have any other way. Dawson asked me a few weeks ago if I thought this was our big test and that if we weren't going to have any other major trials... I told him that I wish I could say yes. I know it's not the end of our struggles. I pray we don't have to do something like this again though. But it is the only way for us to truly grow. I wish I had days to describe to you all what we have been through and all of the amazing experiences we've had. I will in time. Dylan taught me so much more than I ever taught him. I want you to know that we are doing well. I can't imagine how much worse this could've been had we not had our faith and an amazing support system of family and friends. I can't thank you enough for all that has and continues to be done for us. We sincerely hope that we will be able to pay it forward. We have an insane amount of that to do! Thank you so much for all of your words of sympathy and encouragement whether it be a text, card or email, we do read them! It continues to be crazy around here so we don't often have time to respond. But we really love getting them and it does help us push forward! I have committed to Dylan's passing to not be in vain. I know this will forever change our family. I know that I will be able to say that Dylan is responsible for getting our family to heaven... He will forever be deeply missed but never forgotten. I know that we will see him again and that it will be a beautiful reunion. Until then... we will continue to "Do It 4 Dylan". :)

We have Peace!

At church yesterday a friend gave me a card that had this quote,

"The Lord compersates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, October 2008.

Her own sister passed away 2 months ago with cancer, and this quote was shared with her family during her sister's funeral, and she said that she loved it and found great comfort in knowing the Lord knows us and our sorrows. I too found comfort in those words, and I know that the Lord does know us and our sorrows.

My brother sent this quote, " From an Eternal Perspective, the only death that is premature is the death of one who is not prepared to meet God." Elder Ballard.

Dylan was prepared.

We grieve Dylan's passing, but are grateful to know where he is. Dawson (Dylan's older brother) said the morning of Dylan's passing, "Heavenly Father needed him." Yes I too believe that Heavenly Father needed him and that he has a very special mission to accomplish.

Words cannot express the love and appreciation we have to all of you who have sent cards, made phone calls, come by to visit, sent money, send gifts, prayed for our family, offered words of sorrow, came to the viewing and to the funeral, and who continue to be such a big source of strength to us. We love you all dearly and know that you will all be blessed for having helped. I am so impressed with Ryan and Mandy's strength through all of this. These last 4 months have been the most trying and the hardest thing I have ever been through. Watching your children watch their children go through trials has been extremely hard for me. As the grandma it has been very hard to see the decline of Dylan. We are grateful that he did not have to suffer any longer, and that he is now free to run and play and do all the things he has not been able to do for a long time. We have a very special Guardian Angel watching over us and that is very comforting!

Thanks again to all of you!

My Friend, My Mentor, My Son

I sit here alone in our quiet house, my kids off playing with cousins and my wife out doing some last minute preparations for this weekend and my thoughts are consumed by my son, Dylan. What a truly amazing kid he was. He was so thoughtful and kind to others. He always wanted to make sure everyone was included and not left out of anything or felt bad. He went out of his way to say 'hi' to people as they came into the room and truly loved everyone, in fact I can't remember him ever speaking ill of anyone (even the bullies at school that would tease and pick on him). This week has been the hardest, by far, of my life and I laugh when I look back and think of times when I 'thought' I was having it hard like going to school or struggling on my mission. Those challenges pale in comparison to what we have faced this week. Watching Dylan decline so rapidly over the last four months was the single most trying thing as a father I could have possibly witnessed. Knowing I could physically do nothing to take away his pain or suffering literally broke my heart and often my spirit. We fasted and prayed and gave him blessings to try and ease his pain and to ask for a miracle and yet that miracle never came (at least not in the form we wanted). I had to stand by and watch his 9 year old body deteriorate before my eyes and all the modern medicines and alternative treatments we tried couldn't stop that ugly tumor wrapped inside his brain stem. How I wished I could reach inside and rip that wicked growth out of him or transplant it into my own brain stem as I would have gladly and willingly gave my life for his. But that was not my course in life. Mine is to remain behind and shepherd my other children through this life. Dylan's was to come to Earth, gain a body and fulfill his earthly mission and return home to his Heavenly Father having done all that was asked of him albeit after a very short time. And while I will miss him terribly every day for the rest of my life and would literally do anything to have him back with me as a healthy boy, I can draw strength from the knowledge that there is a plan for all of us that is bigger than we can imagine. There is a work for us all to do and while we are bound with earthly perspective, we cannot fully comprehend what that work fully entails and often the way seems impassable and strewn with thick branches and thorns. I know that when we are able to look back on this earthy experience but do so with an eternal perspective, all things will become clear and the size and scope of our mission will be brought into focus and we will be amazed and what we accomplished and how many 'coincidences' shaped our paths and how often our father truly intervened when we felt lost or hopeless.

Many People have asked why God would let this happen. Why couldn't he, the omnipotent ruler of the Universe, reach down his hand and take it away? The very simple answer is: He could but he won't. And the reason being is, if he did he would forfeit the very plan that we chose to be apart of. If he intervened at every difficult or painful crossroad and spared us every moment of grief and pain in this life, then we would not learn to walk by faith. We would have no need of the atonement because all our painful decisions and paths would be protected and chosen by our Father in Heaven and our free agency would be rendered useless. We MUST pass through the trials of life to gain experience and wisdom and learn true Christlike love for our fellow man and render selfless service to those around us. This is our purpose on Earth; to love and serve one another and to bear each others' burdens and obey our God's commandments and prove ourselves herewith to see whichever way we should go. I am so proud and honored to be Dylan's dad and he has taught me more in the last four months about being good and faithfully enduring to the end than I have learned in the previous 36 years of my life. He is an amazing example of the pure love of Christ and the charity that is required of us. He gained so much pleasure in doing good for others and constantly worried about those that were going through their own trials (unfortunately too many of them were also affected by cancer). He loved life, he loved to laugh and make jokes and do stand up routines for people (he was pretty good at Brian Reagan). He genuinely cared for people and did more to affect people's lives in his 9 years on earth than I probably will be able to in the remainder of my time here. So many people have sent their concerns and condolences and a common theme in their messages is how much Dylan has changed their lives and how they want to do better because of him. You cannot imagine how proud this makes me as a father! My son having that much positive influence on the world is more gratifying that any other accomplishment I can think of. I can truly and honestly say that Dylan left this world better than he found it and not everyone can say that. His memory will live on in the works and lives of those left behind. My hope is for that memory to never fade, that we may always remember him and his life and his example and that in a year from now, when the pain subsides and the freshness of this experience is gone, that we all don't go back to 'the way things were'. I hope his example stands as a beacon for us all to strive to do better, to be better, to love better, to live better.

I will never feel fully worthy of having Dylan as my son but I feel privileged to have been chosen. We will forever be linked by the earthly bond and the heart of a father has truly been turned to the children. He taught me more than I ever taught him and I will forever be grateful to him for that. He has set the standard now that I must live up to and strive to become more like him. He will forever be my inspiration and guidance through this world. He truly and simply is my friend, my mentor and I'm so proud to call him my son!

I cannot thank you all enough for the heartfelt wishes of hope and support and pray God will bless you all for your acts of kindness on our behalf and pour his love and spirit upon you all!

Ryan-the Dad

Perfect Love

Services

Viewing: Friday 6:00-9:00pm

                Saturday 10:00-11:30am

Funeral: Saturday 12:00pm

Stake Center: 2200 S 4300 W, West Haven

In lieu of flowers, please donate to Make a Wish

Free....

Early this morning, 1:20, our sweet Dylan went to heaven.  He is free from the tumor.  He is free from any pain or sadness.  It was not easy to let him go.  Our lives were blessed every single day because he was in them.  We will feel this void for the remainder of our lives here on the Earth.  I know, he will be here with us whenever possible.  I know that he will watch over his brothers, sisters, parents, and family.  I know it was hard for him to leave us.  His mission on the other side is only beginning.  We love him so much, and will anxiously look forward to the beautiful reunion I know awaits us.  Thank you, from our hearts and souls, for all your love, concern, & prayers.  

We will forever be Doin' it 4 Dylan!

Not great...

 

   The family photo, and this picture were taken at Bear Lake this last week.  We were all looking forward to getting away and going to our "happy place"...Dylan included.  It was a good week spent together...but not one of our typical weeks we are used to spending there.  Dylan is a fish, and would swim from sun up to sun down.  I think a small part of him refused to believe that he wouldn't be able to do the same thing he's done every summer.  He was pretty down and sad once we were there.  It was hard for him to watch all the other kids run and play and swim.  As you can imagine, it was heartbreaking for all of us.  SO many times I wished that Bear Lake could be like the Island on the show Lost.  That all of the sudden, just because we were in Bear Lake, he'd be free of the wheel chair... and all the other horrible effects of his tumor.   Through out the week his overall health was declining.  By Friday, Mandy and Ryan decided to take him in for another cat scan.  The results showed that the tumor has grown by 2cm.   This explained the decline, but is hard to hear.  The tumor is obviously very aggressive right now.  Today has been the worst so far.  He is pretty lethargic, been throwing up, not interested in eating, horrible headache, not really able to move at all, and very slurred speech.   All of these are symptoms of the tumor.  It is heartbreaking to see him like this.  It is so crazy that his mind can be just as normal as could be, but the tumor can be destroying him physically.  He is the same sweet boy as always.   I can't imagine how frustrating this must be for him.   Please continue to pray for him and his family.  Pray for his mom and dad.   I don't know if you all feel like this but our prayer lists are getting soooo long I can barely keep up.  Could you do us one more favor and pray for our newest little family member MASON.  He needs some extra help too..... pretty much we are a wreck  :)

 

I found this on pinterest the other day and decided it was fitting for us right now.

Families are forever

BBQ

I just got an email from Jennifer Woods, who has a son that is friends with Dylan.  She asked me to share about the Lacrosse Tournament and BBQ they are doing this weekend for him.  DAWSON will be playing in the tournament :)  Stop by and grab some yummy food!! :)

Chelsea

Grandchildren are the BEST!!!

We just got back from a week in Idaho with children and grandchildren to celebrate the 4th of July. It was WONDERFUL!!!

Ryan and Mandy and family went to Bear Lake to enjoy family for the 4th of July, so they were not with us.

Every prayer that was said and every blessing that was offered, included "Please bless Dylan's tumor to keep shrinking" - Tonight a granddaughter asked Heavenly Father to "Please bless Dylan's tumor to keep shrinking and bless that it might go away" - most prayers were offered by grandchildren, since they out number us adults, and oh how tender they were. Every time a prayer was offered, my heart filled with love and graditude for a wonderful family and knowledge of a Father in Heaven that Loves us dearly.

Everyone enjoy this summer!!! Isn't it nice to finally have it!!

I have to tell you how amazing Dawson (Dylan's older brother) is - I have watched him be so tender with Dylan, help him walk, push him in the wheel chair, and just be an amazing older brother. I know that Heavenly Father knew who to send first to help Dylan!!! I LOVE YOU DAWSON!!!! and Heavenly Father loves you too!!!!

Grandma Shaw

Drew's Blessing Day

Today was a special day for this sweet little baby.   For the last four months, everything we do is a little emotional.  Today was not much different.  Ryan gave a wonderful blessing & the spirit was very tender and strong.  I think a huge part of that is because of the love and support in the Shaws ward.  I don't know many of them, but I sat and looked around I could recognize face after face.....ALL from people coming over to bring in meals, sharing messages, or just stopping by to check in.  What a blessing each of those people have been.  I was emotional just seeing their faces. 

   Drew was sent to this Earth with the ability to give peace and healing.  He is a sign of hope, and love.  He is proof that our Heavenly Father knows much more than us what we need, and  exactly WHEN we will need it.  We all love this baby more than words. 

Dylan & Drew have a special little bond. :)

Dawson & Dax...two of the cutest boys EVER.

My sister is probably the strongest, most loving, caring, compassionate person I know.  I love her.  

The whole Shaw family together!  Beautiful.