My Friend, My Mentor, My Son

I sit here alone in our quiet house, my kids off playing with cousins and my wife out doing some last minute preparations for this weekend and my thoughts are consumed by my son, Dylan. What a truly amazing kid he was. He was so thoughtful and kind to others. He always wanted to make sure everyone was included and not left out of anything or felt bad. He went out of his way to say 'hi' to people as they came into the room and truly loved everyone, in fact I can't remember him ever speaking ill of anyone (even the bullies at school that would tease and pick on him). This week has been the hardest, by far, of my life and I laugh when I look back and think of times when I 'thought' I was having it hard like going to school or struggling on my mission. Those challenges pale in comparison to what we have faced this week. Watching Dylan decline so rapidly over the last four months was the single most trying thing as a father I could have possibly witnessed. Knowing I could physically do nothing to take away his pain or suffering literally broke my heart and often my spirit. We fasted and prayed and gave him blessings to try and ease his pain and to ask for a miracle and yet that miracle never came (at least not in the form we wanted). I had to stand by and watch his 9 year old body deteriorate before my eyes and all the modern medicines and alternative treatments we tried couldn't stop that ugly tumor wrapped inside his brain stem. How I wished I could reach inside and rip that wicked growth out of him or transplant it into my own brain stem as I would have gladly and willingly gave my life for his. But that was not my course in life. Mine is to remain behind and shepherd my other children through this life. Dylan's was to come to Earth, gain a body and fulfill his earthly mission and return home to his Heavenly Father having done all that was asked of him albeit after a very short time. And while I will miss him terribly every day for the rest of my life and would literally do anything to have him back with me as a healthy boy, I can draw strength from the knowledge that there is a plan for all of us that is bigger than we can imagine. There is a work for us all to do and while we are bound with earthly perspective, we cannot fully comprehend what that work fully entails and often the way seems impassable and strewn with thick branches and thorns. I know that when we are able to look back on this earthy experience but do so with an eternal perspective, all things will become clear and the size and scope of our mission will be brought into focus and we will be amazed and what we accomplished and how many 'coincidences' shaped our paths and how often our father truly intervened when we felt lost or hopeless.

Many People have asked why God would let this happen. Why couldn't he, the omnipotent ruler of the Universe, reach down his hand and take it away? The very simple answer is: He could but he won't. And the reason being is, if he did he would forfeit the very plan that we chose to be apart of. If he intervened at every difficult or painful crossroad and spared us every moment of grief and pain in this life, then we would not learn to walk by faith. We would have no need of the atonement because all our painful decisions and paths would be protected and chosen by our Father in Heaven and our free agency would be rendered useless. We MUST pass through the trials of life to gain experience and wisdom and learn true Christlike love for our fellow man and render selfless service to those around us. This is our purpose on Earth; to love and serve one another and to bear each others' burdens and obey our God's commandments and prove ourselves herewith to see whichever way we should go. I am so proud and honored to be Dylan's dad and he has taught me more in the last four months about being good and faithfully enduring to the end than I have learned in the previous 36 years of my life. He is an amazing example of the pure love of Christ and the charity that is required of us. He gained so much pleasure in doing good for others and constantly worried about those that were going through their own trials (unfortunately too many of them were also affected by cancer). He loved life, he loved to laugh and make jokes and do stand up routines for people (he was pretty good at Brian Reagan). He genuinely cared for people and did more to affect people's lives in his 9 years on earth than I probably will be able to in the remainder of my time here. So many people have sent their concerns and condolences and a common theme in their messages is how much Dylan has changed their lives and how they want to do better because of him. You cannot imagine how proud this makes me as a father! My son having that much positive influence on the world is more gratifying that any other accomplishment I can think of. I can truly and honestly say that Dylan left this world better than he found it and not everyone can say that. His memory will live on in the works and lives of those left behind. My hope is for that memory to never fade, that we may always remember him and his life and his example and that in a year from now, when the pain subsides and the freshness of this experience is gone, that we all don't go back to 'the way things were'. I hope his example stands as a beacon for us all to strive to do better, to be better, to love better, to live better.

I will never feel fully worthy of having Dylan as my son but I feel privileged to have been chosen. We will forever be linked by the earthly bond and the heart of a father has truly been turned to the children. He taught me more than I ever taught him and I will forever be grateful to him for that. He has set the standard now that I must live up to and strive to become more like him. He will forever be my inspiration and guidance through this world. He truly and simply is my friend, my mentor and I'm so proud to call him my son!

I cannot thank you all enough for the heartfelt wishes of hope and support and pray God will bless you all for your acts of kindness on our behalf and pour his love and spirit upon you all!

Ryan-the Dad