Life Since...

Well where do I even start? I feel terrible I haven't posted anything in a while, as you can imagine, things have been busy and different around here... Today is the "official" date of the one month mark since Dylan's passing. (We like to call it a "Graduation") It's gone by so fast. But often it feels like forever ago. I can't ever accurately explain the wide range of emotions that I continue to feel. But the majority of the time I do feel peace. I have had the opportunity to feel Dylan's presence often. Every time I do, I know he is so happy. I know he feels better. And I KNOW that he is in the presence of our loving Heavenly Father and our Savior. I know that he has already learned so much from his experience there so far. I know that I have learned more in the last 5 months than I have in all of my years previous. The last thing I said to Dylan before they closed the casket for good was, "my world will never be the same because of you". I meant that in so many ways. The way I view the world now is so different. The way I view life and death is so different. I'm not afraid anymore. I've learned that we can do hard things. I've learned that there is so much good in this world. I've learned that there are worse things than death. Like watching your child loose all abilities and watching them struggle. I am so grateful for all of the miracles that did indeed happen during our experience even though at the time I didn't recognize them. I came across this quote and it made sense to me. It said, "Does our daily focus on the ordinary events of life dampen our awareness of the providential and miraculous events occuring in and around us all the time?" It's true. One of the biggest miracles in Dylan's journey was the fact that when it was his time to go, it was quick. His type of tumor can often drag out for months, years even, with unthinkable symptoms that leave them completely aware of what's going on, yet trapped in their shell and in pain. He didn't have to face much of this. He maintained his ability to eat, breathe and speak up until the last few hours of his life. In many others, this isn't the case. Originally we were given 12-18 months so in ways we feel like we were shorted. We have come to the conclusion that we had a late diagnosis which in turn ended up being a blessing that he was able to live a normal life as long as possible. It seems so surreal that I am talking about a child we've lost. I never would have imagined we would be faced with this. You never think it will be you. You never can fully understand until it's you. It's hard. It's so sad. It hurts. On the other hand I can say, with full conviction, that I wouldn't have been able to learn all I have any other way. Dawson asked me a few weeks ago if I thought this was our big test and that if we weren't going to have any other major trials... I told him that I wish I could say yes. I know it's not the end of our struggles. I pray we don't have to do something like this again though. But it is the only way for us to truly grow. I wish I had days to describe to you all what we have been through and all of the amazing experiences we've had. I will in time. Dylan taught me so much more than I ever taught him. I want you to know that we are doing well. I can't imagine how much worse this could've been had we not had our faith and an amazing support system of family and friends. I can't thank you enough for all that has and continues to be done for us. We sincerely hope that we will be able to pay it forward. We have an insane amount of that to do! Thank you so much for all of your words of sympathy and encouragement whether it be a text, card or email, we do read them! It continues to be crazy around here so we don't often have time to respond. But we really love getting them and it does help us push forward! I have committed to Dylan's passing to not be in vain. I know this will forever change our family. I know that I will be able to say that Dylan is responsible for getting our family to heaven... He will forever be deeply missed but never forgotten. I know that we will see him again and that it will be a beautiful reunion. Until then... we will continue to "Do It 4 Dylan". :)