Thursday, October 6, 2011

Life Goes On-

Well, like it or not, life goes on. At least for those of us who are left behind. When you are in the midst of your trial and know what you are looking at, there are many times when you don't think that when the time comes you'll be able to live through it and regain somewhat of a "normal life" again. And then it comes. And then you are still living. And you can't believe it... And many times you feel guilty for feeling okay and occasionally even having fun! This whole process of losing Dylan has been such an interesting one. There are many days where I feel like a 70 year old having been through so much both emotionally and spiritually! Then there are days when I feel like a 17 year old and feel like there is no way I could have gone through something like this so young. Most of the time I try to not think of my situation and my loss because I realize there are so many others out there who have it so much worse. I have been reading a book called "The Happiness Project" (many of you are probably sick of me talking about it!) and it is pretty amazing! Something the book is constantly emphasizing is that happiness isn't something that just falls into your lap. It is something we have to seek out and work for! It has to be a constant effort- There are so many different elements that factor into true happiness. At one point in the book it sums it up by saying that we experience happiness when we are growing. Sometimes we can choose when we want to grow and sometimes things force us to. What we choose when we are forced to is up to us! (I don't know if that makes any sense-) But my whole point is that we sometimes don't choose to end up in difficult situations but we do get to choose what to do with them. I am hoping to become a better person because of all of this. I have seen what happens to others when they choose a different path. It doesn't lead to happiness... Dylan wouldn't want for us to be miserable. More than anything else on this earth, he cared about how we felt! (Especially me! :)) I have felt him often when I have been struggling and he continues to let me know that he doesn't want me to be sad and that he is so happy! I am so grateful for those experiences I have had where he has been a comfort to me. I miss him every single day more than words can express, but every day is one day closer to when we get to see him again. Something else that stood out to me in the book (which BTW I am only half way through!) is choosing to be happy with the present. It is true that often times I find myself looking to the future for things that are going to make me happy. Finding happiness in every day is something I am trying to make a greater effort at. Ryan and I are SO blessed with our other children, family, friends, jobs, house, etc... It is so easy to sink into the sorrow of the missing but our blessings far outweigh our losses.

When I reflect on the 4 months that Dylan was sick, I often think about all that many people did for us during that time. I know that there are many who we didn't formally thank and I don't even know where to start! It makes me feel terrible and it all feels like a blur! A traumatic and depressing one, but also an overwhelmed and loving one! Please know that we do love and appreciate everything that has been done for us and our true hope is that we will be able to repay everyone that gave so much to us. Thank you again for everything. It will never be forgotten!

And so we carry on... With school, with lessons, with work, with church, etc... Like it or not, life goes on. We were able to get away last weekend to Bear Lake, it was fantastic! The little ones picked leaves from the trees up there and on the way home we stopped and visited Dylan's grave and they scattered the leaves on it. He would have loved our cabin... We were missing him there! My sweet friend JeriAnn found the cutest vintage sign that said, "Welcome to Bear Lake" and her amazingly talented husband made a matching piece they fastened to the bottom that said, "The greatest place in the galaxy!" Quoted by Dylan. We hung it right on the wall as you walk in and it makes us feel like we have a little Dylan there.

Many have asked how the other kids are doing and the honest truth is that they are doing well. Dawson occasionally has a few breakdowns but we all do. As soon as Avery came home on the first day of Kindergarten, I got into her back pack to see what she had done that day. On one of the papers they could draw whatever they wanted. She had covered hers with hearts that had cracks in them. :( Livi often says, "when Dylan gets back..." Dax is 2 and obviously doesn't get it but when you ask where Dylan is he says, "in the sky" and points up. Drew is growing like a champ and has gotten very needy which he deserves. He is screaming for attention right now which is why I am going to bring this post to a close! Thank you again for all of the love, support and prayers we continue to receive. We know that it is because of all of those acts we have been able to move forward. We love you all! D4D Always!!!! :)


  1. Oh how I love you dear friend. You are amazing. D4D Always :-) xo

  2. Crazy that we are going through the same exact things right now. You just put it all into words so much better than I could even attempt. I will have to look into that book. It sounds like something I could use.
    I think of you and your family and pray for you as well.
    We need get together sometime. Thanks for your post.
    Abby Gertge

  3. I've read The Happiness Project as well--I'm doing my own this year that I'm keeping track of on my blog. Great book, right? I think of you often. Your posts are so heart-felt and honest. I have a son the same age as Dylan and I can't even imagine losing him. I pray that God will continue to guide you through this loss and that his grace will shine through the pain in your life.