Paying it forward

Please come be a part of this amazing event!  

twinners

We LOVE That Drew looks JUST like his brother! So sweet!!

A Bear Lake Bench for Dyl

What a wonderful place this will be to sit, reflect, and enjoy the beauty of nature. 




I imagine that Dylan will take a little time out of his busy schedule to enjoy it with us. Sure miss him.....

Happy Birthday!

Dylan,

   HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  We have all thought about this day the last 3 months and wondered what it was going to be like....what we should do....and how we would celebrate your birthday without you here.  Your parents decided to give you the wonderful gift of doing your temple work.  I know you already know this. ..but all of our family was able to go and feel the sweet, sweet spirit there.  It was a very emotional experience for me, and gave me a whole new outlook on those we are doing work for.  I am so grateful for the external perspective and desire to be my very best I have gotten with you on the other side.  I have been able to feel your presence on a couple different occasions and I am so so thankful.  Those experiences are truly tender mercies. 

  I can't believe it was a year ago we gave you those comfy slippers for your birthday.  You were the king of "Comfy's"!!  Never did I imagine they would be your favorite things to wear, and eventually be the very shoes you'd be buried in.  It breaks my heart, but also makes me happy.  I am learning that much of this experience is bitter sweet.
  Today we will spend our time thinking about you and celebrating the life you lived.  We will bake cupcakes and take them to the neighbor kids, make fleece blankets for kids at Primary Childrends, eat your favorite pork from Cafe Rio, and go visit your resting place.  I know there will be lots of tears today, just because we miss you so so much.  I can't imagine what your mom must feel like on this day, but just like I promised....I will take good care of her. I know you are so proud of how strong your parents have been.  It's amazing the strength that comes out of people when trials like this are given to them.
  I'm not sure how birthdays are celebrated in Heaven, but I hope you know that today is YOUR special day!!! A day we will celebrate YOU every single year.  We love you SO much!  Life here is not the same without you.  We hope somehow you get the cupcake Livi is determined to send to heaven..... :)  HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the sweetest boy we know!

Love, Chelsea

Life Goes On-

Well, like it or not, life goes on. At least for those of us who are left behind. When you are in the midst of your trial and know what you are looking at, there are many times when you don't think that when the time comes you'll be able to live through it and regain somewhat of a "normal life" again. And then it comes. And then you are still living. And you can't believe it... And many times you feel guilty for feeling okay and occasionally even having fun! This whole process of losing Dylan has been such an interesting one. There are many days where I feel like a 70 year old having been through so much both emotionally and spiritually! Then there are days when I feel like a 17 year old and feel like there is no way I could have gone through something like this so young. Most of the time I try to not think of my situation and my loss because I realize there are so many others out there who have it so much worse. I have been reading a book called "The Happiness Project" (many of you are probably sick of me talking about it!) and it is pretty amazing! Something the book is constantly emphasizing is that happiness isn't something that just falls into your lap. It is something we have to seek out and work for! It has to be a constant effort- There are so many different elements that factor into true happiness. At one point in the book it sums it up by saying that we experience happiness when we are growing. Sometimes we can choose when we want to grow and sometimes things force us to. What we choose when we are forced to is up to us! (I don't know if that makes any sense-) But my whole point is that we sometimes don't choose to end up in difficult situations but we do get to choose what to do with them. I am hoping to become a better person because of all of this. I have seen what happens to others when they choose a different path. It doesn't lead to happiness... Dylan wouldn't want for us to be miserable. More than anything else on this earth, he cared about how we felt! (Especially me! :)) I have felt him often when I have been struggling and he continues to let me know that he doesn't want me to be sad and that he is so happy! I am so grateful for those experiences I have had where he has been a comfort to me. I miss him every single day more than words can express, but every day is one day closer to when we get to see him again. Something else that stood out to me in the book (which BTW I am only half way through!) is choosing to be happy with the present. It is true that often times I find myself looking to the future for things that are going to make me happy. Finding happiness in every day is something I am trying to make a greater effort at. Ryan and I are SO blessed with our other children, family, friends, jobs, house, etc... It is so easy to sink into the sorrow of the missing but our blessings far outweigh our losses.

When I reflect on the 4 months that Dylan was sick, I often think about all that many people did for us during that time. I know that there are many who we didn't formally thank and I don't even know where to start! It makes me feel terrible and it all feels like a blur! A traumatic and depressing one, but also an overwhelmed and loving one! Please know that we do love and appreciate everything that has been done for us and our true hope is that we will be able to repay everyone that gave so much to us. Thank you again for everything. It will never be forgotten!

And so we carry on... With school, with lessons, with work, with church, etc... Like it or not, life goes on. We were able to get away last weekend to Bear Lake, it was fantastic! The little ones picked leaves from the trees up there and on the way home we stopped and visited Dylan's grave and they scattered the leaves on it. He would have loved our cabin... We were missing him there! My sweet friend JeriAnn found the cutest vintage sign that said, "Welcome to Bear Lake" and her amazingly talented husband made a matching piece they fastened to the bottom that said, "The greatest place in the galaxy!" Quoted by Dylan. We hung it right on the wall as you walk in and it makes us feel like we have a little Dylan there.

Many have asked how the other kids are doing and the honest truth is that they are doing well. Dawson occasionally has a few breakdowns but we all do. As soon as Avery came home on the first day of Kindergarten, I got into her back pack to see what she had done that day. On one of the papers they could draw whatever they wanted. She had covered hers with hearts that had cracks in them. :( Livi often says, "when Dylan gets back..." Dax is 2 and obviously doesn't get it but when you ask where Dylan is he says, "in the sky" and points up. Drew is growing like a champ and has gotten very needy which he deserves. He is screaming for attention right now which is why I am going to bring this post to a close! Thank you again for all of the love, support and prayers we continue to receive. We know that it is because of all of those acts we have been able to move forward. We love you all! D4D Always!!!! :)

Child of God

  Tonight I was putting my two and half year old, Ella to bed.  We always sing a few songs.  She wanted to sing I am a Child of God, so we did.  At the end it says, "teach me all that I must do, to live with Him someday."  After she finished she looked at me and said, "live with who mom??"
  I told her it meant to live with Jesus.  She then replied,  "Oh ya, and Dylan lives with Jesus.  Jesus knows Dylan mom, and he loves him, and takes care of him."
   That obviously caught me way off guard.  Big words spoken out of a little mouth.  It brought me a few tears, and sweet peace.  I know Dylan is being taken care of, and the he is a very loved boy in Heaven.  We miss him so much....every single day.

Adjustments...

Life has seemed pretty weird lately. Not that anything major has happened or that things have gotten harder, just different. Sending Dawson back to school without Dylan was not so fun for me and I am sure he is feeling that void. Avery started Kindergarten yesterday so I am sure it's nice having her to walk with to the bus stop in the morning, but I know that is always in the back of Dawson's mind. He is doing very well though!

Time just keeps on ticking and the days keep getting further and further away since I last heard my sweet Dylan's voice. It is so hard. But we really are okay. I try not to think of how much time I haven't seen him but turning that into how much closer I am to seeing him again. I don't in any way mean for this to be a depressing post, because I'm not- I just miss him. I can't begin to describe the amazing blessings we have been given with our other children. I am grateful for every single one of them! (Even when they are naughty!) I can't imagine going through all of this if I didn't have their sweet faces to cheer me up every day. Even our 2 yr. old Dax has picked up on it. Last night I was caught off guard by a St. Jude's commercial and started crying and Dax looked up at me and said, "no cry, be happy!" I do my best and have way more good then bad days but when those bad days come, they come with a vengeance! This is not something I ever thought I would have to deal with but we are and doing it the best way we can! We are committed to this experience bringing our family closer together and also closer to our Savior.

I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people that exist in this world. We couldn't have gotten through this without all of the love and support we have received. Words aren't even enough. And I sound so cheesy saying that but it's so true. You know if you are one of those wonderful people and I continue to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The movie "Ever After" was playing in our car a few weeks ago and there was a line in it that really stuck with me. The evil stepmother said, "no matter how bad you think things are, they can always get worse." I know there are many others out there who are suffering worse then we are. And my heart goes out to them. I feel so ignorant at times thinking back to before all of this happened, I didn't realize how many sick kids there are or how many people are dealing with all kinds of trials and tragedies. Often times it is only through our trials that we gain a deeper sympathy and develop a love for others we may not ever have known. I am thankful to have learned this even though it still is so so hard.

My husband is my very favorite human on this whole planet and there is no one else I would rather have by my side facing adversity. He is my best friend and I am not sure how I lucked out snagging him!!! He is such a rock and doesn't judge me on my worst days even though I am sure he would love to send me away at times! I have developed such a deeper love for him watching him as he handled many of the situations with Dylan. I love him so much...

Another example of the circle of life has occurred today! My little brother Trevor and his cute wife Tami just welcomed a new baby into this world... Little Trey! Congrats to them! I don't know how many of you know but Tami's brother Kasey was killed in a plane crash about a week and half after Dylan's passing. It was a pretty intense month for her. My heart continues to go out to their family. I hope that this new little blessing is able to bring a little healing to their hearts as my baby Drew was able to do for me.

This life was never meant to be easy. But we have to tolerate it and come out better people especially through these tough times! It's so easy to become relaxed and in ways ignorant when things are going well. That in itself is a test... What will YOU do when you don't have something devastating looking you in the face? It's easy to hit your knees when you want the help. But are you doing it when you aren't desperate for it? That's something I am trying to keep a constant eye on. Not getting comfortable. Trust me, I have gotten comfortable many times! I still have sooooooo much work to do. But I do need to acknowledge my sweet little Dylan and for the example he set for my family and for so many others. I know that he was willing to go through this for us. I am committed that his sacrifice won't be in vain.... I love you Dylan and I will forever be missing you! (Well, not forever- :)