Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Adjustments...

Life has seemed pretty weird lately. Not that anything major has happened or that things have gotten harder, just different. Sending Dawson back to school without Dylan was not so fun for me and I am sure he is feeling that void. Avery started Kindergarten yesterday so I am sure it's nice having her to walk with to the bus stop in the morning, but I know that is always in the back of Dawson's mind. He is doing very well though!

Time just keeps on ticking and the days keep getting further and further away since I last heard my sweet Dylan's voice. It is so hard. But we really are okay. I try not to think of how much time I haven't seen him but turning that into how much closer I am to seeing him again. I don't in any way mean for this to be a depressing post, because I'm not- I just miss him. I can't begin to describe the amazing blessings we have been given with our other children. I am grateful for every single one of them! (Even when they are naughty!) I can't imagine going through all of this if I didn't have their sweet faces to cheer me up every day. Even our 2 yr. old Dax has picked up on it. Last night I was caught off guard by a St. Jude's commercial and started crying and Dax looked up at me and said, "no cry, be happy!" I do my best and have way more good then bad days but when those bad days come, they come with a vengeance! This is not something I ever thought I would have to deal with but we are and doing it the best way we can! We are committed to this experience bringing our family closer together and also closer to our Savior.

I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people that exist in this world. We couldn't have gotten through this without all of the love and support we have received. Words aren't even enough. And I sound so cheesy saying that but it's so true. You know if you are one of those wonderful people and I continue to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The movie "Ever After" was playing in our car a few weeks ago and there was a line in it that really stuck with me. The evil stepmother said, "no matter how bad you think things are, they can always get worse." I know there are many others out there who are suffering worse then we are. And my heart goes out to them. I feel so ignorant at times thinking back to before all of this happened, I didn't realize how many sick kids there are or how many people are dealing with all kinds of trials and tragedies. Often times it is only through our trials that we gain a deeper sympathy and develop a love for others we may not ever have known. I am thankful to have learned this even though it still is so so hard.

My husband is my very favorite human on this whole planet and there is no one else I would rather have by my side facing adversity. He is my best friend and I am not sure how I lucked out snagging him!!! He is such a rock and doesn't judge me on my worst days even though I am sure he would love to send me away at times! I have developed such a deeper love for him watching him as he handled many of the situations with Dylan. I love him so much...

Another example of the circle of life has occurred today! My little brother Trevor and his cute wife Tami just welcomed a new baby into this world... Little Trey! Congrats to them! I don't know how many of you know but Tami's brother Kasey was killed in a plane crash about a week and half after Dylan's passing. It was a pretty intense month for her. My heart continues to go out to their family. I hope that this new little blessing is able to bring a little healing to their hearts as my baby Drew was able to do for me.

This life was never meant to be easy. But we have to tolerate it and come out better people especially through these tough times! It's so easy to become relaxed and in ways ignorant when things are going well. That in itself is a test... What will YOU do when you don't have something devastating looking you in the face? It's easy to hit your knees when you want the help. But are you doing it when you aren't desperate for it? That's something I am trying to keep a constant eye on. Not getting comfortable. Trust me, I have gotten comfortable many times! I still have sooooooo much work to do. But I do need to acknowledge my sweet little Dylan and for the example he set for my family and for so many others. I know that he was willing to go through this for us. I am committed that his sacrifice won't be in vain.... I love you Dylan and I will forever be missing you! (Well, not forever- :)

Friday, August 19, 2011

The missing

 Just over a month out, and I think the missing is really starting to set in.  The reality of what happened is becoming more real...more permanent.  I am pretty sure I can speak for all of us, but the last week has been one of the hardest.  Time apart has grown longer and we continue doing things together, just missing one sweet member of our family.  We always talk about memories and funny stories.  Sometimes it makes us laugh, and sometimes it starts the tears.  Life is truly about spending time with those you love, and creating memories....because you just never know when someone you love won't be here.  We love you Dylan and would give a whole lot to have you yelling "Banana the POWER"!! again....even if it was the most obnoxious thing in the world :)     

video

Friday, August 12, 2011

Life Since...

Well where do I even start? I feel terrible I haven't posted anything in a while, as you can imagine, things have been busy and different around here... Today is the "official" date of the one month mark since Dylan's passing. (We like to call it a "Graduation") It's gone by so fast. But often it feels like forever ago. I can't ever accurately explain the wide range of emotions that I continue to feel. But the majority of the time I do feel peace. I have had the opportunity to feel Dylan's presence often. Every time I do, I know he is so happy. I know he feels better. And I KNOW that he is in the presence of our loving Heavenly Father and our Savior. I know that he has already learned so much from his experience there so far. I know that I have learned more in the last 5 months than I have in all of my years previous. The last thing I said to Dylan before they closed the casket for good was, "my world will never be the same because of you". I meant that in so many ways. The way I view the world now is so different. The way I view life and death is so different. I'm not afraid anymore. I've learned that we can do hard things. I've learned that there is so much good in this world. I've learned that there are worse things than death. Like watching your child loose all abilities and watching them struggle. I am so grateful for all of the miracles that did indeed happen during our experience even though at the time I didn't recognize them. I came across this quote and it made sense to me. It said, "Does our daily focus on the ordinary events of life dampen our awareness of the providential and miraculous events occuring in and around us all the time?" It's true. One of the biggest miracles in Dylan's journey was the fact that when it was his time to go, it was quick. His type of tumor can often drag out for months, years even, with unthinkable symptoms that leave them completely aware of what's going on, yet trapped in their shell and in pain. He didn't have to face much of this. He maintained his ability to eat, breathe and speak up until the last few hours of his life. In many others, this isn't the case. Originally we were given 12-18 months so in ways we feel like we were shorted. We have come to the conclusion that we had a late diagnosis which in turn ended up being a blessing that he was able to live a normal life as long as possible. It seems so surreal that I am talking about a child we've lost. I never would have imagined we would be faced with this. You never think it will be you. You never can fully understand until it's you. It's hard. It's so sad. It hurts. On the other hand I can say, with full conviction, that I wouldn't have been able to learn all I have any other way. Dawson asked me a few weeks ago if I thought this was our big test and that if we weren't going to have any other major trials... I told him that I wish I could say yes. I know it's not the end of our struggles. I pray we don't have to do something like this again though. But it is the only way for us to truly grow. I wish I had days to describe to you all what we have been through and all of the amazing experiences we've had. I will in time. Dylan taught me so much more than I ever taught him. I want you to know that we are doing well. I can't imagine how much worse this could've been had we not had our faith and an amazing support system of family and friends. I can't thank you enough for all that has and continues to be done for us. We sincerely hope that we will be able to pay it forward. We have an insane amount of that to do! Thank you so much for all of your words of sympathy and encouragement whether it be a text, card or email, we do read them! It continues to be crazy around here so we don't often have time to respond. But we really love getting them and it does help us push forward! I have committed to Dylan's passing to not be in vain. I know this will forever change our family. I know that I will be able to say that Dylan is responsible for getting our family to heaven... He will forever be deeply missed but never forgotten. I know that we will see him again and that it will be a beautiful reunion. Until then... we will continue to "Do It 4 Dylan". :)